i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
