I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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