I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
