Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
