I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
