He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
