I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
