Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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