I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize