My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
