I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
