He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
God I need to hump something, right now.
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