The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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