I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
