I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
