My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
