You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
