Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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