I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
