I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
