I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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