I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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