i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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