Pants 0. Shit 1.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
