Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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