So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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