found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
