Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
