Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
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that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
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Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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