i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
