Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You made out with two different species that night
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
