You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
