Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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