Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
do nipples grow back?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
