I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
