Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize