Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
