a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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