I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
