i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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