I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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