I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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