The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
