This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
