I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
