Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
