I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
