I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
