While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
