hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
