i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
