What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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