apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
