Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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