Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
