im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
