I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
