Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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