I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
