I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
