everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
